Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
