I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
