My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
