If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
