I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize