i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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