Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
