What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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