nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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