I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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