it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
high people should be assigned attendants
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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