I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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