My first STD was from a foam party
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
