I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
