i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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