My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Barsexuality is the new black.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
