went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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