I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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