saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We were destined to go to rehab together
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
