Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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