For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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