I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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