I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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