you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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