you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
