I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
