I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I met the friendliest cop last night
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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