pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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