He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
