i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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