my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
