I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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