my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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