You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I touched a dick in church today
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
