I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
