i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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