My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
