I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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