the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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