"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I want her autograph on my taint
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
