i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize