I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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