Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
