a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
