I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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