mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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