so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
