Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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