I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
