Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize