i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize