I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I intend to get homeless drunk
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Randomize
