if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
