my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
