I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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