i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
