Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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