I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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