The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
