my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
