True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize