i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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