She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
