M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
